Better Bend Than Break

No two people are alike. All different things make up who we are. It is therefore almost impossible for people to agree about everything. What we are then left with is compromise.

A world that is filled with different points of view, trying to live together under one umbrella, if each one of us presses our position so far and in no way gives ground, that umbrella starts to shrink and many are left in the rain. Realistic minds understand this, however, there are many that take the approach, ‘My way or the highway.’  A compromise is a negotiation between two or more parties, either individuals or groups which helps to reach a mutually agreed upon decision. Essential to the idea of a mutual agreement is that each person/group participating in the agreement must make the decision to surrender some of the things he/she/they would want in order to hopefully get the things most desired. Compromise exists in all aspects of life: in matters of business, relationships, and so on. Even personally, an individual may have to compromise with him or herself in order to reach the most workable arrangements for pursuing a life.

Our relationships are full of compromises and in certain instances rules do have to be followed, for example, if Mom and Dad say you have to be in by ten in the evening, in the child’s best interest, this rule should be followed. As one gets older, compromise becomes more and more important in the health and development of relationships. Each week-end a family can make plans on what it wants to do to enjoy its time together. How much fun it could be, if all the family does is do what one member wants? Dad wants to go to a ballgame but Mom may want to go to the zoo; the children would rather go to the movies. What do you do? How about a movie about a baseball player who hits a home run into the zoo? Life is very rarely that simple (ha!)

People often ask, "What's wrong with my relationship?" or "Why are relationships so hard?" 

 When people wonder why their relationship is so difficult, the underlying assumption is that it shouldn't be. There is an implied belief and expectation that a good relationship should come naturally, easily. This is a remnant of the myth of romantic love and its subsequent cultural conditions that "love is the answer" to all our life's struggles.

There seems to be a collective fantasy that "when the right person comes along", we will join together in perfect harmony and move through life together like paired ice skaters -- flowing flawlessly, effortlessly. Then when we stumble (have conflict) we worry, "What's wrong" Why is this so hard?"

 Maybe the answer is, "There's nothing wrong. By their very nature relationships will be difficult, and sometimes very difficult." 

 First, most of us desire relationships that are satisfying and meaningful before we have even developed a good relationship with ourselves. We somehow expect to be able to connect deeply with another person before we have connected even superficially with ourselves.

 Culturally, self-reflection and exploration are seen as indulgent or wasteful, yet we are pressed to enter into emotionally committed relationships before we've given ourselves a chance to explore who we are, what we believe and feel at our cores, what our strengths and frailties may be. Often relationship struggles are the outer reflection of our inner struggle to find and define self.

 Secondly, relationships are hard because they require balancing two basic and conflicting human drives: the need to be a separate, autonomous self (and the individual freedom this implies) with the need to be connected with other (and the compromise/negotiation this requires).

Hey, we all see things a little differently sometimes but if we can respect each other’s feelings, hopefully we can find common ground, where we all can have some harmony.

Life is meant to be shared!